havn't bloged for a while, and thats cos i've been swamped.

you know, studying social science is great cos it lets you learn more about humanity. It casts new light on things, but sometimes i wished that perhaps i wasn't so cynical or had so little faith. I'm not a strong christian, but i love God and i want to dedicate my life to him and him alone. I want to become a social worker, or something along those lines so that I may help those he loves and i he may use me in whatever way he would like. God has a way of using useless people like myself to do wonderful things. I'm not low on self confidence, but I know that despite what alot of people think of me, I'm not that strong, not that fast not that smart (not that i am those things btw) but only by his grace. I got my national gold by his grace, my scholarship by his grace, and all my wonderful friends by his grace.

But back to the topic, social science cas cast doubts on my faith. there are 3 disciplines in social science, namely - political science, sociology and psychology. at least in smu that is.

political science - this has asked me to ask myself what if religion was just a means for the rulers of that particular era to control people? religion is so powerful it makes people forget democracy and accept totalitarianism. we believe in a higher power so the sufferings of this world are all right. am i to fall into their trap? am i so sheepish as that? religion makes people forget about the inefficiencies, about the corruption, about the cronyism that goes in the government. catholism is a instituionalized way to control people. we've all heard of corrupted popes and how they make use of donations for their own private benefit. did i give all my savings or at least some of it to make my pastor fat?

sociology - this begs the question, are we just doing this whole religious thing cos other people are doing it? society and social situations play a large part in how we behave. people can be misled to commit voluntary suicides, holy wars and others, who is to say that christianity isn't such a thing? or have we all been conditioned to ignore such questions?

as you can tell i'm getting tired of writing and you all know my point. social pysch. has taught me that the power of roles and situations are so powerful that experiments conducted by zambardo have caused university students to really get into their roles as prison wardens or prisoners in a mock prison experiement. sigh. are we just fufilling our role as devotees and our pastor a role as the head of the church?

the new religion today is money. how to get a better life. how to have a nicer car. how to be smater, better, than the rest. smu students go to their new church every sunday to worship this idealology. corp coms and marketing have shown me how to market things like how a pastor would preach his message.

perhaps a reason why religion is playing such a diminished role in society is because the governments don't need it! who needs religion to control the populace when they are too busy trying to make money to revolt against the government.

singapore's sustainable authorianism says it all.

but... why then does a voice inside me say that Christ is alive and is the living God????

fatalist. heirarchist. sectarian and individualist all say no! but why?

i try to use my logic to explain this. no one could be smart enough to write the bible. no one. thats how self centered i am. another reason. no evil corrupt government could be possible for asking people not to steal... and to love one another.

why do so many people who hanv't spoken to God swear by him? (not literally of course)

well. i think after seeming so educated, im going to say that i do. I LOVE you GOD!!! and i think you are there for us. just as all seemed doomed, thank you for a friend Sarah for sending me this:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11)

thank you eileen for asking me to go to church again. i needed that.

this friday is when the Lord died for us 2007 years ago to pay for our sins. i know i may just be in my cycle of believing and sliding, but this is the absolute rock bottom for me and i hope i can climb out soon.

i'm glad i posted this. something thats been bothering me for a long long time.